Lost in a state of torpor, I struggle to hide a muffled yawn as my eyes water up from the exhaustion of having to listen to another lecture on 'Mechanical Working'. I manage to steal a quick glance at my watch, taking precaution the professor scribbling away notes on the board doesn't discover my impatience, and I rasp under my breath in frustation when I realize it's only been 20 minutes. Another 40 minutes to go - of course Ash Ray has no idea. He happily prods along, squawking in his omniscient but insipid tone, ever reminding us of how little we know of our own discipline. The particles of chalkdust settling on his beard and caput blend perfectly with the pale white pigment coating his hair. Unperturbed, he rattles on. He probably knows the pen I hold in my hand is never going to make contact with the blank diary resting on my table. And yet I can do nothing but listen, and fake interest.
Not long ago, I used to listen in ceaseless attention to each word he uttered; each principle or theorem he dictated making its way verbatim to the pages of my notebook. I was a 'first-bencher', a distinction not many would possess - not even the voracious pedant feeding on piles of textbooks and the sound of a learned professor giving away 'upadeshas' on the nuances of engineering. I remember raising my arm time and again to ask questions. I was the revered note-maker, the most reliable scholar for classmates. I was 'Baba' in the true sense of the word.
The times are changing.
In a few month's time, I will graduate as a Metallurgical and Materials engineer. Convocation is within sight. Soon we shall complete the ceremony announcing the end of four years of ordeal, and pass into a completely new world. I am about to make the transition from a student to a professional - I am employed. I also fancy a call from an IIM, the next big thing after IIT.
But I am no more the inquisitive student, the knowledge seeker, the 'first-bencher' - not in the classroom atleast. I have accomplished what I had planned for all this time, albeit a bit differently than imagined. With no purpose left, I can feel the inner flame within me wavering. I no more possess the driving force propelling me towards yet another goal, the inner unrest that would keep nagging and cautioning me - "Something is still lacking !".
I am stuck - clearly in need of a more meaningful pursuit during the last few months at Roorkee. Football, music and Cogni are just pastimes. I'm in search of a bigger challenge, a new objective - hoping to find a new 'me'. I wonder what it'd turn out to be, what I would turn out to be. For now, I'm just a 20 plus person aspiring to become a 20 minus dilettante once again, just so I am not devoid of a fervent tenor to keep moving forward.
The January chill has subdued my spirits for now. I'm waiting for the sheath of winter ice to melt away, so that I may free myself of the freezing frost immobilizing me, and feel the warmth of a new, illustrious sun rising.
About Me
- Arnav
- Mumbai, India
- An ardent lover of human virtues , an admirer of all forms of art, a dreamer and a naturalist - so much to brag about me. Otherwise, I'm just the ordinary person with a zest for living and a penchant for merriment. Writing is my passion, and my means of reaching out to the world yonder. I'd be happiest the day when the words I pen down start to make a difference to the people I know, and to those whom I don't.
I was wondering ,the Title is so apt in our situation .It pisses you off sometimes at night ,doesn't it ?
ReplyDeleteYeah it does. The title was what I had in mind before I actually started writing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I only hope it's not me alone.
But let's hope our forthcoming tryst with nature helps us get the better of this impasse we stare at now.